It’s not fair nor unfair. It’s not be pitied nor disregarded and it is the invisible grief that most will never talk about. The inner dialogue for infertility is that of subtle sadness, disguised aggression and palpable fear. Whether you ever desired to be a parent or not is quite irrelevant – but when you are questioning the evolutionary pot hole in the road that threatens empty Christmas’s or feeling ‘that kick’ for the first time, there is only one thing to do- and that’s talk about it. Here is an MRKH warrior talking about it.
Dear, My Unborn Beauty,
I am sorry I let you down.
I am sorry that we never got a chance to truly meet-I did everything I could to find your father in time. I tried to fall in love and be loved, in the hope that your home would be built. This simply has not happened and now, I feel as though I have to let you go. It feels impossible and I am desperate to meet you but I just don’t know how to make this happen.
I honestly didn’t try and think about you too much over the years- I wondered why I didn’t feel that achy pang to meet you, leading me to think that perhaps I was even more abnormal. I believe now, that this simple thought of not meeting you may have been too distressing to comprehend. Secretly of course, I always hoped that I would find the means and my true love to make you. Beauty, my darling daughter – please know I love you. I love your beautiful blue eyes and love for nature. I admire your strength to meet me too and the way our silent love story began. With such sheer determination, you never really left my side. I am trying to find a way to help others through this pain yet my empathy perhaps only feels warranted now. A mourning world exists with so many wanted children who never quite make it.
Where do you all go, when the hope does?
My promise to you -I will carry you through birthdays and Christmas’s. I will teach you to sing when I do and offer you gentle dreams when I fall asleep. I will proudly see you learn to walk as I take my first steps of the day and dedicate my morning practice to your cosmic soul, wherever you are. My muster for your existence will never go despite your actual presence being through my own sacred moments and not play-dates with others. Precious one, you will always be my ultimate destination. Through words and ocean swims, you are my warmth and the peace these simply pleasures bring to me.
Your grandparents, they so love you too. Their dreams to dote on, as you unwrap gifts and take your first bike-ride through my childhood streets still sit on the mantelpiece at home. Gosh, they loved your mother so much. They seldom spoke of you, for even the most desperate manifestation techniques may not deliver you to us.
Be somewhere where I can find you when I finish a busy day and halt this busy life. And forgive me. Please forgive my not knowing soon enough that I wanted you. Forgive me for only waking up to your mumbles and crying now. I couldn’t hear the cries of any past dreams and only now, do I smile thinking of you when no-one else is looking.
In the middle of concrete towers and a restless city, my precious, unborn beauty –you bring me calm and escape.
You walk just one step to my left. You smile back at me in mirrored perfection – with such sheer grace and angelic lightness, you are there. When the branches move, its you. When the ocean breaks, it’s you who cracks the wave and when 5 o’clock comes, those shadows that we see, have you spinning in them. They say the footprints in the sand are those of the Lord’s when he carries us through our difficult times. I say, if the footprints are the Lords, then the shadows are his friends.
Take my hand and walk with me.
You are so beautiful and I will always place my hands in prayer for your safety and happiness.